I have always said that if I were to become a movie director, I would hire those actors and actresses that have faded out of the limelight for my films. I feel that the actors that I have chosen have a certain something that the world had lost interest in, and that’s what intrigued me. If given the chance, I would cast Robbie Coltrane, Steve Guttenberg, Brendan Gleeson, or even Robert Downey Jr. (pre-rehab) in my films, no matter what the film was about. But, out of all the actors and actresses that I’ve mentally listed for my never-to-be directorial career, there has been only one that I’ve stricken from the list.
And that person is Lindsay Lohan.
Okay, I’ll admit it, I’ve was a longtime Lohan acting defender. Well, not publicly, of course. I couldn’t stand the ridicule that such a proclamation could bring. I stood by her through Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, and I Know Who Killed Me. I loved her in Bobby, Sean Lennon’s Friendly Fire and Chapter 27. For whatever reason, I felt that she had more to her than the mediocre performances she had churned out. But, my feelings began to change when I feasted my eyes upon Liz & Dick. That was where I drew my line in the sand.
For what it’s worth, that performance was right up her alley. In that film, she would be playing a drunk who was grappling with fame, fortune (both the abundance and lack there of) and the struggle to stay relevant. But, somehow she let her own tremendously sad life get in the way of her character’s tremendously sad life, and that caused her to deliver a performance that I would rank just above the narration of an MTV’s Teen Mom 2 episode.
To top it all off, I’ve read that her newest film, The Canyons, is nothing but a laughing stock, being laughed at by a 1950s studio laugh track. All of this can be credited to her self-centeredness and to her kindergarten level acting talent. Trust me, it hurts to say that. It feels like I’ve wasted so many years. So many brain cells wasted over determining what sort of roles she’d play in my fictional movies.
Wasted. Over. Gone.
Look, Linds, you had your chance. But, like a clown without hands can’t hold on to a bunch of balloons, I can’t hold on to you anymore, either. You’re no good for me and my imaginary movies (or my brain for that matter). I’m not going to sit here and beat around the bush with you, neither. So, I’ll just come out and say it – it’s you and not me.
For my troubles, I ask that you give up acting now while you still have the chance. Movies like Liz & Dick can be explained away as typical Lifetime Network nonsense. But, you don’t want to get yourself caught up in a film (The Canyons) or television show (TBD) that can’t be explained away as “typical basic cable garbage”, do you? Because, that’s about as embarrassing as getting caught beating up a gypsy or having a paparazzo snap a photo of your girly parts. But, you wouldn’t know anything about that…