This Teaser Poster Needs To Die Hard

Let’s not shit ourselves, we are a country that likes to judge a book by it’s cover. That’s especially true when it comes to movies and their posters. Every week I will bring you my thoughts on the best and worst movie posters the film biz has to offer, starting with this one…

A photo can spawn a thousand words...

A photo can spawn a thousand words…

What in the name of Zeus and all things previously held holy is this shit? You’ve got to be kidding me, right? It’s been five movies and you’re still caught up on this catch phrase? Seriously?

Well, if you aren’t that upset about it, I guess I should congratulate you. Bruce, you’re now in the category of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ron Burgundy for most overused catchphrase in world history, though being associated with Ron Burgundy isn’t a bad thing. It’s quite classy, actually.

Congrats.

The whole point of a movie poster is to try and explain what is going on or who is going to be in your movie, or to nab those last minute undecided movie goers with a flashy image. So, what you’re telling me is that this is the best Hollywood has to offer when it comes to A Good Day To Die Hard? What, is Bruce going to thwart the Rooskies with a mean glare and a witty catchphrase? How did we get to this point in movie promotion?

Let’s take a little peek at the degradation of the Die Hard Saga’s (suck it, Twi-hards) movie posters, shall we?

Die Hard

Die Hard

This poster is very simple, granted that at the time it was a risky move. When this movie was released, Bruce Willis was nothing but a TV actor. So, there was a little of fear on the part of Hollywood to plaster this unknown guy’s face on a movie poster. But, they did anyhow, and it worked.!

Everything about this poster is simple and to the point. Here is Bruce Willis with a gun. There are twelve terrorists in, uh, somewhere. His name is John McClane. He’s ready to kick ass. Done. It’s you’re simple, late-’80s kind of cheesy movie poster.

I don’t think I need to tell you that this movie was great. As I’ve heard said before, “The only good Die Hard movie is the one with just the words ‘die’ and ‘hard’ in them.” Oh, and it has Alan Rickman in it, too.

Hans Gruber. Lol.

Die Hard (Alternate)

 Die Hard 2: Die Harder

 Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Oh boy! Look who’s back in trouble… AGAIN! After the whole Nakatomi Plaza ordeal, you’d think John would just step aside and let this brothers at the DC Metropolitan Police Department and the FBI handle this one. Nope. He’s decided to do it himself, again, and for nothing but the scraps of a detective’s wage!

This poster is pretty simple like the first one. After the success of Die Hard, Hollywood execs weren’t so afraid to put Bruce all over their posters, a trend that hasn’t died hard yet. We have a one Mr. John McClane, an airplane and an airport that has exploded. Without knowing anything else, I bet you could deduce that terrorists were behind this one, too, right?

Well, they were “rogue military leaders,” but I’ll give you points anyhow.

 Alternate Titles for Die Hard 2

Die Hard From Above

Die Hard On a Plane

Oh Shit, If We Crash This Plane, We Gonna Die Hard!

 Die Hard: With a Vengeance

Die Hard: With A Vengeance

Before I begin, I want to share a few lines of this film’s plot, as written by an IMDb user.

SARSman1793 writes:

Soon, a man named Simon calls and asks for McClane. Simon tells Inspector Walter Cobb that McClane is going to play a game called “Simon Says”. He says that McClane is going to do the tasks he assigns him. If not, he’ll blow off another bomb.

Boy, what a terrorist. Yeah, that’s right, I said terrorist. Here’s John McClane, finally back in his native New York, and he is a broken man. Shunned by his beloved NYPD, nearly an alcoholic and run ragged from his previous run-ins with terrorists. He don’t get no respect, no respect at all.

All that changes, though, when the shit hits the fan, and he is the only person in the entire country who is a battle-tested counter-terrorism expert. With Samuel L. Jackson at his side, he yippie ki-yay’d himself to victory once again.

This poster shows the intensity of it all. Note the serious look on Bruce’s face. Also note the explosion in front of a stock image of the New York City skyline. Also also note the blood on Bruce’s temple.

Purely badass. Well, in concept maybe. This film may have been the reason there was a decade before the next one would premiere.

Live Free or Die Hard

Live Free or Die Hard

Welcome to the modern age of the Bruce Willis movie poster. This has become the norm for Bruce, sporting a tried-and-true pose that he has been using for the past few years now. With this pose, he demonstrates his many years of action film kick-assery and head baldness.

As you can see, this poster is very simple. All you’ve got to do is insert one (1) Bruce Willis, drop a famous landmark into the background and something that denotes battle. This time they scrapped the explosion for some beautiful sparks and smoke. Oh, don’t forget the blood or scuff to let you know that he’s been scrappin’.

Although this one isn’t a bad poster (probably one of my favorites in the series), it doesn’t let on very much about what’s going to happen in the film. But, as you could have guessed, it deals with terrorists. Cyber terrorists. Timothy Olyphant’d cyber terrorists. And, only Bruce and Justin Long and Kevin Smith can defeat him.

 ————————————————————————————–

Now we’re back to where we started. After all of that, I have to admit that I haven’t seen the newest Die Hard masterpiece. But, I’m going to wager a bet that it has something to do with terrorists. And, as usual, John McClane is the only one smart enough in this world to stop them, right?

A Good Day To Die Hard

Yeah, I see the flames. Totally terrorists. Totally.

One thought on “This Teaser Poster Needs To Die Hard

  1. Pingback: Five Awful Movie Taglines | Empty Set Blog

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