Hardcore Gaming Is Like Sex (Without the Clean-Up)

I’m just going to throw this out there right now. What follows is a somewhat graphic comparison of my newly-founded gaming habit and my inconsistent sex life. It’s awkward, explicit and often steamy, so if you don’t want anything to do with wafting references to my sex life, clock out now. Check out some posts about comics or TV shows, or just look at this angry balloon. Seriously. It’s pretty angry.

And I promise this isn’t some sort of masked braggadocio. My intimate life doesn’t really hold much worth bragging about.

Think back to your first handjob. Not the first time you were by yourself, but the first time someone put their hand into your pants and did their best at pushing all the right buttons. I can remember mine vividly. I won’t go into too much detail. I was young, she was a couple years younger. I didn’t know her well; in fact, I didn’t know much about her other than her first name and that she was from Maryland and was in WV for the summer camp we were both attending. She and I hadn’t really talked before that night, but she saw me play guitar at the talent show the night before and took a shine to me.

Long story short, she worked her way into my pants very quickly and showed me her strumming abilities. Suffice to say, she hadn’t been playing long and was in dire need of more practice. But I graciously accepted her gift and gave her something in return. It was awkward and over in about 5 minutes, but it was satisfactory, and more importantly, it was the first in the line of encounters that shaped me not only as a sexual being, but as a human being.

It was almost three years until the next time a woman did anything of that ilk to/for me, but since then… well, let’s suffice to say I’ve done ok for myself. We’ll leave it at that.

What’s this got to do with anything nerd related? I’m glad you asked, my dear reader.

Now, the ages don’t match up, but it’s very similar to my relationship with video games. When I was 8, I received a NES and a huge box of games for Christmas. It was old, dusty and I was really terrible with the buttons, but it was my start with video games. Through my formative years, I was graced with a Nintendo 64 and then a Gamecube, but I never dug into the games much (aside from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Goldeneye 007), and when I did, I was rather unsure of how best to achieve my goals.

Soon, I stopped altogether. I didn’t pick up a controller for years.

My parents bought a Wii, assuming they’d use it all the time. They didn’t, but I started picking up games for it and started to get back into gaming a small bit. Now, for most of you in the gaming community, the Wii is basically “gaming light.” To continue with the sex/gaming analogy, Wii is the infrequent, almost satisfactory post-work backroom blowjob from the ugly girl with the weird tooth.

I subsisted on that for a few years, on and off. I got Skyward Sword, but I didn’t finish it. It’s still sitting in my memory card, maybe 12% finished.

This week, though… I graduated. I become a man. I popped my gaming cherry.

This week… I bought an Xbox 360.

And I’m finally getting some on a regular basis. It is everything that it’s cracked up to be. I’ve only had it for three days or so, but I’ve already logged almost a dozen hours on Fallout 3, and I’ve made my way almost completely through Castle Crashers.

It’s exactly like going from my slightly connected string of chance sexual encounters to having my first serious girlfriend. Putting in quite a few hours each week with someone/something I really enjoy, spending maybe a little too much money now and then, and learning exactly the right moves, the right button combos, and the right actions, and I don’t think I need to go into detail about how much pleasure I’m getting out of it.

Of course, at this point in my nerd (or sex) life, there’s not a lot I haven’t tried. I’ve been reading, watching, roleplaying, and dressing up for years. Sometimes, by myself, but enough to know that it’s always best with others. Now, I’m trying hardcore…

Hardcore gaming, that is. What did you think I was talking about? Perverts.

Still, I’ve been in the nerd game since I saw Star Wars at the age of 7. That’s over two-thirds of my life now. Anytime I can tackle an unsurmounted nerd bastion, I’m completely up for it. I didn’t play D&D until last year. I didn’t watch Doctor Who until about three months ago.

I didn’t own a gaming console of this magnitude until this week.

Now, if you ask me how I managed to pull myself away from navigating the post-nuclear Capital Wastelands long enough to write this, well… I’m still not sure myself. But, it’s about time for me to return to my button-jockey position in front of the TV.

I don’t plan on writing too much more about video games anytime soon. Maybe when Injustice: Gods Among Us comes out, I’ll have a bit to say. But frankly, I still have too much to learn and experience before I can dispense any kind of info to you guys.

That being said, time to return to my research…

Advertisements

Nerd Out Here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s