True Blood: Radioactive, or “the best ep of the season”

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[As always, SPOILERS ensue!]

The final episode opens with a snarky bang: as they leave Terry’s funeral together, Sookie insults Alcide by being surprised at the depth of his thoughts and feelings, because he “lays cement.” Sookie, didn’t your parents teach you any manners before they tried to kill you?

Sookie does impress me with her conviction while speaking to Warlow, however, telling him that she wants to date him before they marry. This does not seem like an outrageous request, but Warlow’s true nature comes out, and he hits Sookie, pulling a 180 and turning into the evil vampire he really is within moments.

The vampires who’ve had Bill’s blood gallivant in the sun, and, let me tell you: it’s awfully difficult to take them seriously when they’re wearing bikinis and workout clothes (I’m looking at you, Pam). This is why vampires are creatures of the night…no one would be afraid of them in full daylight, they’re just too perky.

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In a romantic twist, Bill realizes that without Lillith’s presence, he actually loves Sookie. The whole “I hate you Sook-ey” routine was all an act. So he recruits the vampires to help rescue her! I’d swoon, but Bill’s a jerk. And what would a season finale be without Jason preparing for battle? Check that off the True Blood finale list.

Bill fights Warlow. Things are getting good. Alas, the fight against Warlowe turns into a many-vs.-one scenario, and Jason and Grandpa Fairy (who apparently wasn’t dead this whole time) stake him, and that’s the end of that.

Why is this the best episode of the series, you ask? Well! Finally, finally, after years of seeing many naked lady bosoms (including main actor Anna Paquin’s) and two seasons of full frontal nudity of Lillith’s many incarnations, we get to see some full frontal male nudity. And this time it’s not severed bits, but Eric, in all his glory (ERIC! We’ve been waiting years for this!) This moment of rejoicing from viewers is ruined by the fact that we see Eric’s full birthday suit only as he bursts into flame in Sweden, where he’s been hanging out, reading and chillin’ (when Warlowe is killed, it seems that all of the fairy blood that allows the vampires to frolic in the sun evaporates from their systems). Add this to my list of reasons not to tune in next season. I don’t mean to objectify the men of True Blood, but I am pleased that we see a naked figure that isn’t a woman. And if I am objectifying the men (not intentionally, I swear!), I can only say that it’s payback for all of the naked ladies I’ve seen from the very beginning of True Blood.

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After Eric’s untimely incineration, we flash forward six months: Sam is the mayor of Bon Temps (!?!), and Bill has written a book titled “And God Bled.” Bill appears on a talk show to discuss said book. Laughing with the newscaster, he says “I was a god.” Har, har, har. Good one, Bill.

Sookie and Alcide are now together, making it official that Sookie’s dated every eligible supernatural male in town (but, good on you for this one, Sookie). However, we didn’t see them hook up! I’m sure I speak for many faithful viewers when I say that we want to see that payoff. I’m sure we could expand the list of male characters who appear fully nude…::cough:: what was I writing about again?

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Sam implores all healthy adults in Bon Temps to attend a mixer in which they’ll be paired up with one healthy vampire, in a monogamous feeding relationship. This is to prevent Hepatitis V(ampire) from spreading. The vampires will protect their humans from infected vampires who are on the prowl for new prey.

Despite the fact that we’ve barely seen Tara all season, there’s a heart-to-heart between Tara and her mother. It seems completely out of left field, but then Tara’s mum offers to be Tara’s human foodbag. This feels way weird and gross, given that a vampire feeding is supposed to be a sexual interaction for both human and vampire.

The sixth season ends with a group of infected vampires descending on the gathering Sam has invited everyone to, in a moment reminiscent of the White Walkers lumbering beyond the Wall in Game of Thrones, or a zombie horde in The Walking Dead.

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In sum, this season was boring, drawn-out, and so darn silly at times I thought my eyes would get stuck in the back of my head from rolling them too far back. None of the stories had real staying power, other than Eric’s relationships: I wish that Nora hadn’t been involved, and that his distress had stemmed from concern for Pam, a fan favorite whom we’ve known from the very first episodes. Nora was just some weird excuse for incest, if you ask me.

I’m going to read more of the books, and see how those are different; I’ve preferred the first four books to their television counterparts, and I wonder if I’ll continue to feel that way. Sadly, I do think this is where True Blood and I part ways. Unless, of course, Eric Northman is alive and well in a nudist colony for vampires. Barring that, little will make me reconsider.

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