Dexter’s Final Cuts: Series Finale

NOTE: The first part of this post was written BEFORE watching the series finale of Dexter.

Tonight’s the night. It has happened again. And again. It has to happen.

It’s Dexter night, but this time, it’s just a little different. As pretty much any of you who watch the series know, this week brings the series that I’ve been hopelessly devoted to for eight seasons. I would say eight years, but I didn’t start watching until right before season five came out, but I was dating a girl at the time that had ALL the seasons on DVD. She provided me with amply… opportunity. (Get it? It’s like that Monty Python joke. Doesn’t translate into text well, does it? “She’s rich. She’s beautiful. She’s got HUGE… tracts of lands!” Still no? Screw it.)

Either way, I made some hefty predictions at the beginning of the season. I’d say we should wait until the end of this episode to go over what I got right and what I didn’t, but the season did not take the turns I was expecting, and frankly I have to wait until the episode goes online to watch it, so I’m a few hours behind everyone else and I’ve been hearing some terrible things about the episode. Nothing spoilery yet, but I have a feeling the part of this post I write AFTER I watch the episode will be a non-stop bitchfest.

PREDICTION FROM MONTHS AGO:

1. Deb will crush under the weight of knowing Dex’s secret and having one of her own. She’ll do something drastic and harmful. Not sure what, though.

Well, I think I hit the nail on the head with that one. Between Deb quitting the force, working undercover for a shady guy, hooking up with criminals, trying to turn himself in for LaGuerta’s murder, attempting to kill both herself and her brother… yeah. She definitely spiraled.

2. LaGuerta will stay dead.

Cue the Wizard of Oz music! “Ding dong, the witch is dead!”

3. Masuka will get some tail.

Interestingly enough, Masuka tried to get some tail, but wound up with a daughter. And not a baby daughter, mind you. She’s a tall, thin, adult cutie who works at a topless sports bar. However, when he first met her, he was trying to get into her pants. Still, Masuka’s character was allowed to grow outside the normal “I want tons of sex!” that we’ve seen for seven seasons, so that’s actually pretty nice.

4. Batista’s restaurant will do well. (Sorry, folks. I really only had two, and they were both pretty dark. I needed a little fluff in between.)

SPOILERS: Batista’s restaurant is pretty successful.

5. Dexter. Will. Die. There is no possibility for a happy ending with this series. Not at all. I believe that the only fitting end will be for Dexter to see that he has become the person his dad taught him to stalk and kill, and in the closing scenes of the series, Dexter will take his own life, plunging the trademark butcher knife into his own chest for his final kill.

Now, for those of you following the show, you know that Dexter is still alive, and that’s fine. Recently, Dexter has had a change of heart, realizing he doesn’t want to continue to kill for the rest of his life. He even leaves Oliver to the cops.

In short, I still think Dex will die, just not by his own hand. He’s probably going to do some dumb shit for Hannah that will put him in harm’s way. But, I suppose I’ll see in a few hours.

Ready to see my full, unadulterated thoughts of the series finale? Follow to the next page for a whole lot of fun, and even more NSFW language.

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