Teengage Mutant Warrior Turtles of Virtue

As stated here before, I love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (I’m even wearing a shirt right now.) Adored them since I was a tiny lad. Not only do I fondly recall the original series and films, the current Nickelodeon show is awesome and even the 2007 film was kinda rad.

Because I love these four green pizza-munchin’ dudes, I was just as flabbergasted as the rest of the internet when Michael Bay announced he’d be producing a new feature film.

Why? Oh Why?

This entry is a quick reaction to some recent images of the new turtles that have been “leaked”.

Up until now, I have flat out hated every decision made in this production. Of course the idea of them being aliens was insultingly stupid. Even retracting that bullshit concept and saying the ooze is alien bugged me. Or not making them teenagers and retracting that as well. Casting Meghan Fox as April makes my brain weep. Images of Whoopi Goldberg just confused the hell out of me. And that pic of a GIGANTIC Raphael in his “disguise” still dumfounds me.

Let me be clear, I am not precious about the turtles. If you can find a way to updated them in a fun and interesting way that makes sense, go right ahead. The characters were created as a parody for crying out loud. You can’t take it too seriously. What bothers me is that all these decisions come from nowhere. Why aliens? Why alien ooze? Why cast a little actor as splinter? (TO be fair, the final animation may change that). Why have Whoopi Goldberg is madusa hair? Why give the Foot Clan masks that look like they have ZERO visibility? Why is Raphael so HUGE?!?



Yes, these are all questions that will not become clear until the finished product is released. And I am the guy who is anti speculation. But when the only decision that seems to make any sort of sense is casting Will Arnett as Vernon, there’s going to be a healthy dose of skepticism.

A couple days ago, some unofficial pics of some action figure/models of the turtles were leaked. I’d post them here, but they’re hard to find now. Paramount wasn’t pleased I guess.

From these pics you can see that the filmmakers have taken the approach of making the turtles seem “grounded in reality” – giving them armor, making them appear more reptilian. It isn’t a bad look. It isn’t a good one. It’s just an overly complex design of a simple and silly idea to make the nonsense of the turtles easier to digest for general audiences. I have to say, this is the first ‘meh’ response I’ve uttered in regards to the film.

Actually I think they look like The Warriors of Virtue. Especially Leonardo’s armor.


This brings up something that has really been bugging me with recent comic book adaptations:

Why bother with reality?

Why try to create a Superman who could exist in the real world? Why try to make a goofy concept like mutated sewer dwelling ninja turtles feel ‘grounded’? These are two things that could never happen. So why not just have fun with it?

If something makes sense within the reality of the film, it doesn’t matter if it makes sense in our reality. If you establish a world where a man in red and blue tights (underwear on the outside) can be totally accepted as a superhero, I’ll go with it. Same with the turtles. As long as they fit in your fiction, fuck fact. These are meant to be fantasy. Create the fantastic. Make me believe in the impossible. Don’t alter the wonderment to fit the confines of my world. I don’t want to live in a world where mutants defend the streets, or alien gods demolish an entire city during an argument. I’d like to visit their worlds, not the other way around.

And to anyone in denial who tries to defend this film by saying, “Michael Bay isn’t directing, he’s only producing.” Must be you’ve never seen the films he’s only produced. IMDB that shit – I dare you.

For all the abysmal news that leaks from paramount about this movie, it does my heart good to see Andre The Black Nerd dance for Vanilla Ice.


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