I know you’re like me when you’re watching a horror film. You’re sitting there, decorative couch pillow up to your teeth, sweating, and thinking why in the hell did you run into the butchered meats freezer, ya dingus? Well, the folks over at Man Crates — the internet’s foremost purveyors of gifts for men that come in real wooden crates with a real crowbar attached to the side, so you can pry it open in style — think the same thing (in a manlier way, of course) and they’ve asked me to write a post about what I’d want in a crate if I was hoping to survive a horror film.
Everyone’s concept of horror is different. As for me, forget the maniacs with chainsaws or the vampires that may or may not sparkle in the sunlight. With my luck, I’d end up inside a film that finds me surrounded by ghosts and zombies, and if I had a heart attack on top of that, the trifecta of terror would be complete. If I had my way (and didn’t die from cardiac arrest) this is how it would go:
As I finish weeping and soiling myself, I look up to see a large crate attached to a parachute gently floating down to me, as if I were a tribute in the Hunger Games receiving some ointment or some crackers or something. It’s the survival crate I’d ordered; just in time! I grab the crowbar attached to the side and rip open the top. The zombies hear the ruckus and start to amble toward me. The ghosts — well, who really knows where the ghosts are, right? That’s what makes them scary.
Inside is a treasure trove of survival gear that is sure to help me get through the thick of it. I start to dig in with haste. The zombies are drawing closer. I take an inventory of my items:
- A fresh pair of pants: I know myself all too well, and I know that if put into a horror film, a new pair of pants would be the first thing I’d have to acquire before I could carry on.
- A sharp, sharp machete: If I’ve learned anything from zombie films it’s that it’s much easier to lob off a zombie’s head with a machete than the butt of an empty rifle. Besides, machetes don’t need reloading (thanks, Zombie Survival Guide).
- An EMF detector: Like I said earlier, the scariest thing about ghosts is that you can’t see them, especially when they don’t want to be seen. With an EMF (electromagnetic field) detector, I could detect spikes in energy. Ergo, I can tell where the ghosts are.
- A face mask and goggles: How many times have you watched a zombie film and wondered, as the main character is hacking his way through a field of zombies, how a microscopic drop of infected blood never found its way into his mouth or eyes? With a good pair of goggles and a face mask, I can hack away until the sun goes down with not so much as a worry about being infected.
- Powerbars: All that hacking and slashing has got to make you hungry, right? I’m going to need something quick to gobble down to keep my energy up and my aim true as I’m cutting my way through the fields of the dead.
- A recording of a priest: Having an actual priest with me would be hard. It’s hard enough to keep myself alive, let alone another person. So, I’d have a recording of a priest on hand to help send the spirits back from whence they came.
- A diesel-powered 4WD vehicle: When the ghost / zombie apocalypse befalls us all, we’ll try to flee, right? Most of us who have cars that are powered by unleaded gasoline. That means that when we all try to get out of Dodge, and stop for gas, that fuel source will dry up quick. Seeing that there aren’t as many of us who own diesel-powered automobiles, diesel fuel will be more abundant. If you run out of that, you can work to make biodiesel, and you’re car will always smell like french fries.
- The crate itself: Lets say all my planning goes to hell. The machete breaks, the priest recording gets deleted, and the EMF detector runs out of batteries. Now what? I’m going to build a ramp out of the crate, and fly myself over the hoard and to freedom. Or, maybe I could just build the ramp from the start, jump the hoard, and eat powerbars all the way to Canada. Why Canada? Because, even if there were zombies and ghosts in Canada, they’d be too polite to give you bother.
If you could build a crate to survive your version of a horror film, what would you put in it? Comment below to let us know. Also, thanks to Man Crates for coming to me with this idea. It was a lot of fun. Now, if you guys could just get on making that Walking Dead / Carl Grimes crate filled with a sheriff hat, chocolate pudding, and lots of teen angst, I’d really appreciate it.
Until next time…